The Chaos in my Life
by NoseBitingTeacup
Summary: "I write this as a warning. I write this for all the knowledge it brings and for all the knowledge that remains safely forgotten. I write this so that you may know me and my mistakes, and in the hope that you shall learn from it."
1. My name is Violine Azuree

Oh, little, little Ravenclaw,  
Completely lost at sea,

What would you do if all your deeds  
Would all but go unseen?

Ah, but you are not a Slytherin,  
Who fame he only seeks,

Or a mighty roaring Gryffindor,  
Who praise he loves to hear,

Nor are you a friendly Hufflepuff,  
Who cares for none of these.

So, tell me, little Ravenclaw,  
Now that the coast is near,

What would you do if all your deeds  
Would all but go unseen?

My name is Violine Azuree Ravenclaw. I am not an heir of Rowena Ravenclaw _per se_, as my family descends from her brother, but that line has died out. I can also say without fear of lying that my whole family is a part of the Ravenclaw house. Blue-and-bronze eagles, we are, proud and wise knowers.

My life, before, was ordered. Everything was in its place, there was no space for disruption. I enjoy order, I even _create_ order, because I need that control in my life. Everything was perfect.

_This_ is the story of my life, and how _Sirius Black_ brought chaos into it.


	2. Greek Mythology

Do you know of mythology? _Greek_ mythology? Well, I'll just tell you anyway, I enjoy it so much.

To break it down simply, Chaos and the female Emptiness had five… children, if you like: Gaea, the Earth, Ouranos, the Sky, Eros, the Desire, Erebus, the Darkness, and Tartarus, the Abyss.

Ouranos and Gaea created the Titans, the Cyclops, the Titanides, and the Hundred-Arms, or Hecatonshires. One of the Titans, Cronos, and one of the Titanides, Rhea, made Zeus, Hades, Poseidon, Hera, Hestia, and Demeter.

I'll stop there, because I can already hear you snoring. Who cares, right? I guess I _did_ get a little carried away.

My point is, Sirius Black was the Chaos in my Empty life, the Sky on my Earth… the origins of my creation, leading to what I have become.

Sure, my parents "made" me, or however you wish to call it, and I'm sure Mother had more to do with it than Father, but they only made the mold— not that they minded much, I doubt.

Sirius Black filled me with his erratic life, his chaotic thoughts, and his high moral sense— don't laugh: it was selective, fine, but it was still there—, he was a tornado devastating my lands, allowing me to reconstruct everything, but better. I let him do so, I wanted him to, I wanted this… loss of control that he provided, that he helped me gain by helping me see.


	3. My Beginnings at Hogwarts

"Ravenclaw, Violine Azuree," the stiff-looking witch with square-shaped glasses who introduced herself as one of our professors, read out from her list as "Questone, Callystes" made her way to the Slytherin table.

I walked up to the stool, where the sad apology for a wizard's hat sat. I put it on cautiously, as some students had jumped─ probably in surprise─ when doing so.

_A Ravenclaw, hm… Third one in seven years, quite a feat, I dare say._

I couldn't help it, I jumped. The song-singing ragged hat had just spoken in my head! Yes, it had just sung a song, but now it was talking _in my head_. I barely dared to imagine the powers of the person that had made the hat. Well, it was probably Rowena, as she would have the most knowledge out of the founders─ assuming the hat has been here since the beginning.

_Why yes, it was Rowena who made me, little one, _the hat said simply. _But shall we get back on track? Now, the name does suggest the house, don't you think?_

_Well, yes, _I thought back.

_Right, right, of course. Are you sure? You would make a fine Slytherin, you know… No?_ he added as I didn't answer─ my attention was caught on trying not to vomit mentally at the idea of being a Slytherin. _Very well, then:_ "RAVENCLAW!"

I put him down on the stool and made my way to a loudly cheering table full of Ravenclaws─ they were the ones cheering, in case you had any doubts, but anything's possible. Magic, right? I wonder what the spell would be…

I sat down next to "Kyrtle, Miriam", "Lacia, Vanity" and "Prewett, Gideon". A "William, Thomas" joined us shortly after, followed by a quick speech made by the school headmaster, a happy-looking elder wizard with eccentric robes, and then it was dinner time─ or should I say, shove-as-much-as-you-can-in-that-hole-common-people-call-a-mouth-and-preferentially-more-than-your-neighbours time, as it seemed to be the case at the Gryffindor table. I could hear Mother screeching in my head─"_manners!_"─ and I smiled bitterly.

"So, how do you guys enjoy the house distributions?" I asked suddenly, at the same time as "Prewett, Gideon" said: "Ravenclaw, huh?"

We stared at each other, silently daring the other one to back down.

"Very well, thank you," "Kyrtle, Miriam" answered me, breaking the only tension eleven-year-olds can create─ a small and frail one. "It wasn't really a surprise after the Sorting Hat's song, you know,

"if wits and knowledge you do love,  
then in Ravenclaw shall you find  
siblings, if not by bond of blood,  
then by equality of mind",

so I guess I can say I'm pleased." She smiled lightly. "My name's Miriam, Miriam Kyrtle." She extended her hand, which I shook.

"My full name is Violine Azuree Ravenclaw, but my friends call me Azu," I introduced myself, smiling broadly.

"Well, Azu, sad to say, but my previous friends had no imagination." She grinned.

I pouted. "Shame… How about Mi?" I asked. "Until I find a proper one, of course."

She laughed. As she did so, her head went slightly backwards, revealing the scar of a not-so-ancient cut where her head met her neck to me. I chose not to comment at the time─ I never really did learn how it had happened, although I knew it was simply an accident: all she said was that it was a "biking trek gone wrong because of her usual clumsiness".

Mi had light brown hair, almost blonde in some locks of hair, which curled at the end. She wore wide and round glasses that shaped her slightly tanned face and made her look a bit like a frog, yet she still managed to pull off the "pretty" card. We were only eleven, but I could tell immediately that she would become breathtakingly beautiful─ and I was right. I could also tell from her way of looking at the things around us that she was a muggleborn.

"Hi. I'm Vanity Lacia, but I'd rather you'd call me something that had nothing to do with it, I rather hate it myself. It's so… vain," she explained shyly, chewing on a strand of hair.

I have to say I ignored her demand when I made her nickname up, as I couldn't focus on anything else than the most obvious feature of hers, her long, straight, black hair. "How about Blackie?"

She smiled. "You _do_ realise that relates to my name, right?"

"I'm really sorry, it's just hard to find a nickname that will suit someone you just met and doesn't have to do with a physical caracteristic… But it doesn't have to be definite, we can change it when the right one comes up," I amended.

"Don't worry, I really do like Blackie, it's great."

"Awesome, then." I beamed at her. "So, how about you?" I asked a redhead with short hair and freckles who also wore glasses─ the _perks_ of book-loving─, saving "Prewett, Gideon" for last.

He stretched out his hand, which I shook. "Thomas William, or Tom, as you wish," he introduced himself. "I don't feel the need for originality myself." He smiled genuinely, and we all felt the need the smile back.

"It's my turn, now, I guess? I'm Gideon Prewett. My twin, Fabian, calls me "git", but I'd rather you didn't." He smirked.

"How about G?" I asked.

"Why do feel the need to nickname everyone?" he asked, curious.

I shrugged. "I just do."

"Okay, then."

"Git!" a similar-looking Gideon exclaimed as he sat down next to his twin. "You are now an official know-it-all, git! How do you feel about it?"

G simply responded by glaring at his brother.

"You must be Fabian," I cut in, smiling.

"Hi. Oh, you're the Ravenclaw one. 'Was quite surprised when you ended up here, to say the least. Didn't really expect, 'got to say."

"Funny," I commented dryly. "Outright hilarious."

His eyes widened slightly. "Sore spot? Sorry 'bout that. Anyway, I see you're taking care of my bro' just fine, so I'll see you later, huh?" He strolled off, leaving as quickly as he had arrived.

"Yeah, that was my brother," G said lamely, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment. We raised our eyebrows simultaneously.

"First years, follow me," my sister, Cyanne Violette, or Lette for short, announced as we got up to leave. She had been made prefect and loved her new role, taking it extremely seriously. I also had a brother who was in seventh year, Indigue, but I was never really close to him: he was too old for us to be anything else than blood-related acquaintances.

"Hey, Lette," I said, cheery. She hugged me.

"I'm so proud of you, little sis', you made it into Ravenclaw!" I made a small smile at her, remembering the Sorting Hat's suggestion sourly. "So," she continued as we went up the stairs, "how are you coping with introductions? Watch the stairs, they wander," she exclaimed immediately as a flight of stairs moved around and we watched it in awe─ sure, we had read or heard about it, but seeing it was completely different. "Follow me closely, unless you want to get lost in them!" she warned us.

I beamed at her. "I'm doing great! We're not that much this year, aren't we?"

She shrugged. "Happens. Not that closely, you twat," she added, slapping G lightly, as he stuck to her. "You know," she continued, "the average for Ravenclaw newcomers per year is eight. Five is a bit short, but perfectly acceptable."

"I suppose so…" We started climbing a spiral of stairs at a dizzying speed, until we bumped into Lette as she stopped abruptly. We all held onto each other so as not to fall back down the tight flight of stairs. "Watch it, Lette!" I exclaimed, but she ignored me.

"Okay," she announced. "As you can see, there is a knocker on the door. It is the Eagle. You knock once, and it then asks you a question, which you have to answer. If you get it right, you can get into the common room. If you get it wrong, you have to wait outside until someone else gets it right." She knocked, and the bronze Eagle openned its beak.

"Which is best, a knocker or a handle?" it asked in a musical tone.

Lette turned to us. "I'll answer this time, but I'm sure you'll be able to answer them easily after a few tries." She turned back to the Eagle. "The one which allows us entry," she said with confidence.

"Nicely put," the Eagle said in its soft voice, and the door openned. "Welcome to Ravenclaw, young ones," it added as we passed the door and its talking knocker.

"Thank you," I answered, and followed the rest of the group into the common room. The door shut behind me.

The common room was beautiful, with its blue dome with painted stars instead of a ceiling, its carpet with a matching pattern, its arched windows which showed the mountains outside, and its blue and bronze silks hanging from the circular walls. There was also a statue on the other side of the room, which Lette announced to us solemnly that it was Rowena Ravenclaw, as I had guessed correctly─ it's easy, when there's a statue of her everytime you take a turn in our manor─, although this one was particularly pretty and realistic.

There were also bookshelves, tables and chairs─ as a true Ravenclaw-themed room─, as well as a fireplace with a huge couch and a few armchairs arranged in a semi-circle around it.

"Well, here you go," Lette finally said. "The other years should be coming now, so I'll show you your dormitories." She led us to a flight of stairs situated between two bookshelves. After a few steps, the stairs separated in two, one leading to the boys' dormitories, and the other to the girls'. "You'll find your stuff next to your respective beds," she added as we climbed giddily up.


	4. Life Goes On

This was the beginning of my years at Hogwarts. There is not much to say of the early years,as time went by: I became close friends with Mi, Blackie, G, and Tom; Indigue, my brother, left school with Outstanding N.E.W.T.s; then so did my sister and her boyfriend, Matt, with similar results; I myself got Outstanding O.W.L.s, as well as my friends. I was academically brilliant. My friends were great. My life was perfect. We felt like nothing could ever go bad.

We could never have been more wrong.

We were, at the time, unaware of the attacks that happened regularly. Or, at least, I was, until our sixth year at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

So many things happened in sixth year.

I learned then, as Mi lost her parents, of the reality of the outside world, of the horror of it:

Every week, a couple of people─muggleborns or their family, pure-bloods friendly to muggleborns and muggles, or just sometimes random muggles─ lost their lives to a group of fanatic pure-blooded wizards who called themselves "Death-Eaters". Their attacks were violent, unpredictable, and always lethal. The Ministry was at loss, and its Aurors were either unprepared and killed, or sent on the wrong tracks. Many suspected infiltrations among the Ministry folk, but without daring or knowing who to blaim specifically. I quickly learned that these "Death-Eaters" obeyed a man who called himself "Lord Voldemort", yet no one dared to call him as such: it was either "the Dark Lord" from his fervent followers, or "You-Know-Who" from the rest, the growing mass of population who learned rapidly to fear him.

For a Ravenclaw, I was, at the time, quite ignorant of what was going on in the "real world", the one outside the safety of Hogwarts castle. However, even as I learned the few facts I did know of, it seemed so far away it was almost surreal. Even Mi's newly acquired orphan-status seemed unreal to me, and the information never did really sink in. I thought we would all be unaffected by what I called "Voldemort's antics". I was soon to learn how terribly wrong I was.

But I was mindlessly absorbed, and had been since fifth year, in the quest for a mythical object I dare not even name, in the fear of it reappearing in people's minds. I will only say that it was said to bring immortality to whoever used it, and that it had disappeared since Merlin's long lost time. My mind, as I had said earlier, was overwhelmed by the search for it in books and memories of the ghosts around the castle, and I spent hours on end in the library taking notes and reading every book I could find that could give me any sort of clue on its location.

My research took away all my time, and I became so obsessed by it that, to my utmost shame, I have to say I wasn't very present for my friends, and especially for Mi, when she needed me the most for emotional support, if only that.

But, for my very lacking defence, I was, or so I told myself, a true Ravenclaw, and knowledge came first. If you read this, heed my warning: never let your curiosity, or search for knowledge, however you chose to call it, overcome your feelings. It is a short path that can only lead to death. A sad, tortured, emotionless death. An inhuman death.

Sixth year was also, on a slightly lighter note, the year that I met my Chaos. He came stomping through, and hit me. Quite literally.


	5. First Encounter with Sirius

"Whoa! I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?" a male voice exclaimed. I assumed it was the same "male" that had bumped into me as I turned the corner. I didn't bother looking up as I started gathering the books I had borrowed from the library and making them into another pile.

"It's fine, don't worry," I told him. I was struggling with my pile of books as I couldn't manage to pick it up without it falling apart─ it had been easier in the library, where I had made the pile on a table.

"Wait, I'll help you," he suggested nonchalantly, and proceeded to do so before I could say anything. I smiled as he grabbed the few books left and piled them up in my arms. It now reached my chin─ a sign that I had reached my maximum limit for carrying books─ as it had before. The boy, a Gryffindor, I could tell─ and not only from the tie he was wearing─, looked me up and down, and commented: "That's a lot of books." I rolled my eyes at the Gryffindor's superior observation talents, which made him smirk, making his eyes twinkle. I took in how handsome-looking he was, with his tall frame, his muscular arms and shoulders, his black hair that fell on his eyes, and his smile that reached his beautifully sad grey eyes. "You must be a Ravenclaw."

"_Enchantée_," I said, smirking. "You caught me there. And _you_ must be Sirius Black." Every girl in the school knew who charming, devilishly-looking Sirius Black was, and every girl wanted him. I learned, now that I was close enough to detail him, that I was no exception.

He grimaced. "Damn, and I thought I would go unnoticed."

I raised an eyebrow, doubtful. "You're around Ravenclaws in this part of the castle. We _know_."

He outright laughed at that. My expression must have been as outraged as I felt, because when he looked back at me, trying to sober up, he started guffawing loudly again.

"Excuse me," I said, annoyed by his disrespect of what I considered one of the main qualities of my house, as I pushed my way through him─ it was a small corridor. "Nice talking to you, but I have places to go to, and work to do."

"Wait!" he cried, _practically_ sobered up. "I didn't mean it like that! Come on, I'm sorry, little Ravenclaw!"

I cringed at the nickname everyone seemed to be giving me─ I wasn't even _that_ small─ and continued walking. He grabbed my arm, making me start. He spun me around before I could wriggle my way out with a pull, and I found myself staring up into his eyes─ fine, he was at least a head taller than me. He smiled and took half of my books before I could react and started walking off towards Ravenclaw.

"Hey, Black!" I exclamed, blinking madly as I was trying to process what just happened, "My books! Give them back!"

Still smiling, he turned around and started walking backwards. "I'll carry them for you, come on. And it's Sirius, not Black."

I puffed like a frustrated three-year-old, but smiled inwardly. "Fine. I'm going to the Ravenclaw common room," I announced, and started walking. He smirked, but followed me silently.

When we reached the Eagle, he knocked before I could. I was about to protest, but he simply said: "trust me." I sighed, preparing myself for a long wait, as it wasn't exactly Ravenclaw hour at this time of the day─ they were all either at the library or on the Quidditch pitch.

"Why do we name?" the Eagle said in its musical voice. Bla-Sirius blinked a few times in confusion, then smirked arrogantly. He turned to me.

"Do we have to give him a reasoning, or just an answer?" he asked.

I shrugged. "An answer, mostly." He smiled confidently, and I couldn't help but smile back tentatively. He turned back to the Eagle.

"Property defines us," he told the bronze knocker, with a hint of pride in his voice.

I grimaced at his answer, both wondering if the Eagle would accept it, and relating it to my obsession for nicknames─ I wondered what he would think of that.

"Bold," the Eagle commented, and the door─ miraculously─ swinged open.

I stared wide-eyed at the open door, mouth agape.

"Come on, little Raveclaw," Sirius said maliciously as he stepped in, completely at home.

"You… answered. Correctly. The Eagle let you in." My mind was in complete and utter shock at the fact that a Gryffindor with no brains had just _strolled_ into our common room.

"Obviously," he said, still smirking. "So, where should I put your books?"

I blinked, my mind being so overwhelmed by what had happened that I couldn't focus on anything else. "Er… on the table next to the window, please. Yeah, that one." I followed him to said table, and put down the other half of the pile of books. Thankfully, I thought to myself, no Ravenclaw was in the common room─ I could only imagine how my housemates would have reacted to seeing a Gryffindor, and _Sirius Black_ at that─ he wasn't exactly reknowned for his wits… "Thanks," I mumbled as I sat down.

"Well, hope to see you again…?" he trailed off questioningly.

"Oh," I exclaimed, realising that I hadn't told him who I was. "Violine. Violine Azuree Ravenclaw."

"See you, Zuree," he said, winking, and just like that, he left. I stared after him for a good two minutes before I managed to force myself back into working.


	6. Turning Point

The first encounter with him led to many other events of the sort throughout the end of the year, until we reached Christmas. Christmas was, in a sense, a turning point to our relationship. Up till then, my life had been ordered. Then, it all fell apart.

Christmas. Who doesn't love the magic in the air, so to speak, the happiness so present you can almost touch it, the festive feeling hanging around us all, the generosity and cooperation of the people?

I don't. And I found I wasn't the only one. Like me, Sirius hated the smug grins on passerbies' faces, the exchange of presents you pretend to like for the sake of the other, the gaiety of the people around, the idiocy of their minds, only focusing on one thing: _Christmas Spirit_.

I've been told many times it was because of my family, or rather the lack of a proper one, that I hated Christmas. I say it's the obvious hypocrisy of everyone around at that moment of the year that makes me sick─ an overdose of sorts.

As the holidays came and the students left, only a few of us remained.

I was the only Ravenclaw in my year left, Mi had gone with Tom as he wanted her to meet his parents─ they had started dating shortly after the death of her parents. I suspected it was a way to keep her mind on something else, rather than love from her part, but I suppose I wasn't around enough to judge her. Or him.

With two Slytherins that I didn't particularly like, I was the only one left from our whole year, and the only other Ravenclaws staying were a first-year and two third-years. We must have been a total of fifteen students staying for the Christmas break. Not that I cared to socialize much, as I planned to absorb myself in my research.

As Sirius found that I was also staying, things didn't go exactly according to plan.

To say that I was slightly intrigued by him would be a clear euphemism. Not only was he handsome, but I had first-hand experience at the brightness of his mind and he had this care-free attitude that fascinated me. But I did not dare to believe him interested in me. I didn't exactly prize myself on being beautiful, nor a girl boys would fight and die for. I still don't.

Nonetheless, my sixth-year Christmas break was impromptuously transformed from a warm and comfortable reading in the library on the fascinating subject of "my" mythical object to a beautiful moment with a handsome boy and an exciting snowball fight becoming a kiss under the pouring snow, snowball still in hand, until it drops as my attention is drawn elsewhere, cold dripping down our necks but heat filling us up.

From then on, Sirius Black was an important part of my life, disrupting my quiet and orderly life, but never in a bad way─ which I had never thought possible─ by simply appearing by my side. Even though his presence slowed down my research, I was always glad to have him next to me, kissing, talking, or sometimes simply watching me work.

We never made plans together, we weren't that often together, but neither of us minded: we enjoyed that moment when we _were_ together, happily relishing the contact between each other.

I loved him, and I like to believe he loved me back.

When I say it fell apart, I didn't mean to say that Sirius Black was the cause of it. No, I was the cause of my own presence of Sirius Black in those moments only was, in my point of view, merely coincidental but extremely beneficial for me, even if it leads to my own death.

Because, finally, as my love life reached its apogee, so did my search for that immortal object.

I had found a lead, I now had to find how to follow it with everything I needed.


	7. Mixing with Snape

"Snape!" I called out to him as he passed me in the corridor. "I need to talk to you."

"What do you want, Ravenclaw?" he hissed.

"In private, Slytherin," I specified for him as he obviously wasn't moving. "I need to talk to you _in private_." He didn't react. "Please."

He shrugged. "Why should I lose my time with you?"

I sighed. "I really don't think you'll appreciate me telling you here what it's all about. But it will definitely interest you."

"Fine. But don't take too much time, I have things to do." His eyed expressed curiosity, but he hid it with an emotionless to almost bored facial expression.

"I'm sure. Where can we talk properly?"

He looked at me, amused. "You were the one who wanted to talk to me in private, Ravenclaw. You could've thought about this, _witty_," he sneered. It was my turn not to react─ although I mentally slapped myself. He sighed. "I hope it's worth it. Follow me."

I knew Snape from having been tutored by him a few times for Potions─ one of the rare subjects I was unsure about, with flying─ and so, even though I didn't like him much, he was still the only Slytherin I knew who would take the time to listen to what I had to say, apart from Regulus, but Sirius would kill me if he knew─ not that he wouldn't for what I was about to do, but going to his brother did make it worse.

He led me into the depths of the castle, and we ended up somewhere in the dungeons─ I supposed we weren't far from the Slytherin common room. He opened a door and we found ourselves in a deserted classroom.

He locked the door magically after having made sure the classroom was empty. I sat on a bench as he cast a final silent spell.

"Okay, no one will hear us now. What did you want?" he asked, trying to make it sound disinterested.

"I need to talk to your master," I told him bluntly.

He threw me a dark glance. "I don't have a _master_," he spat.

I waved him off. "Oh, however you choose to call Voldemort then," I smirked.

He shivered. "Don't say his name. And I don't serve him."

"Yet," I added for him. "Come on, don't take me for an idiot. At least two thirds of the Slytherins aspire to serve him, and you are a part of those."

"Did you make those statistics yourself, or do Ravenclaws _really_ have nothing to do?" he asked, pretending to be interested. He then shifted his expression back to the arrogant one he wears constantly. "Oh, sorry, that was the same question," he sneered.

"Har har. I need to see him, Snape."

"Why?" he asked, suddenly serious.

"Because I have something to offer him," I said. "I know where to find something he is looking for. But I need help to get it."

Snape stared into space for a while. "Suppose I help you… what's in it for me?"

"Well, you'll be the one who brought me to him so, in a sense, you helped him find it…"

"Fine… How do you know he's looking for what you have?"

"Everyone wants immortality, Snape. Especially leaders like Voldemort."

He raised his eyebrows. "Immortality? How do you know how to find _that_?"

"A perk of being in Ravenclaw, Snape, we have a talent for knowing things."

"Why did you ask me?"

"You have brains, and I couldn't go to Regulus. The other Slytherins wouldn't take the time to listen to me."

"You could've gone to a Ravenclaw, though. The Slytherins aren't the only followers of the Dark Lord."

"I know, but it's harder to tell in the other houses what side they are on. You done?"

"I suppose… I'll send you an owl when I know more."

"Thank you, Snape." I got up and walked to the door. "_Alohomora_. See you!"

As I walked back to the Ravenclaw common room, I bumped─ yet again─ into Sirius.

"Oh, hi!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms around him.

"Hey, Zuree." He kissed me softly. "You doing anything tonight?"

I smirked. "Maybe… did you have something better in mind?"

He scoffed. "You doubt my ability to make your evenings better?"

I opened my eyes wide. "I wouldn't dare!"

He kissed me before I could add anything, pinning me to the wall. As I trailed kisses along his jaw, he whispered: "Zuree?". I could tell he was frowning without even looking.

"Mm?" I followed down the trace of his neck, still planting kisses. I was too happy to acknowledge his worries.

"What were you doing in the dungeons?"

I inwardly smiled and groaned simultaneously at his possesiveness when he was so impossible to keep himself. I stopped planting kisses and looked him in the eyes.

"I had to ask Snape about a potions homework Slughorn gave me," I lied. In my head, my conscience was burning a hole through me, but I knew he wouldn't understand what I had just done. I saw disbelief flicker through his eyes, but he said nothing. "And what were _you_ doing down there?" I asked malisciously, turning the conversation around.

He smirked. "Marauder secret, hun. Not mine to tell."

I pouted. He kissed me again, making the expression fade. "C'mon, I'll walk you back."

"Afraid I'm going to lose my way?" I asked, smiling.

He ignored my question and linked his arm with mine and pulled me along, a beautiful smiled etched across his equally-beautiful lips.


	8. Am I a Ravenclaw?

I can hear you screaming at me. I was offering _immortality_ on a silver platter to one of the worst wizards of our time, namely Lord Voldemort. I was, I'm not denying that this was what I was planning to do.

But what you have to understand is this: I am not a Slytherin, nor a Gryffindor, nor a Hufflepuff. I am a Ravenclaw. _Knowledge_ is what matters to me. And there was _so_ much to learn from the object I was looking for! What happened to it after did not matter as much, because I would have learned everything I needed from it already, as the acquisition of it to complete my searches and verify the myths. Powers do not matter to me or any Ravenclaw─ or so I thought─ unless they help through a gain of knowledge or constitute knowledge in themselves.

My search was over at Hogwarts. I had learned everything the school could offer me on the subject, now I needed to find it, contemplate it and hold it. And for that, I needed equipment, but more importantly, I needed help and a dose of Dark Arts, as the hiding place had been conscienciously sealed: who else to turn to but the most powerful master of those Dark Arts of our time?

What did it matter to me, that he would become immortal? He didn't seem much of a threat. Even the newspapers were barely talking about him and his Death Eaters nowadays.

Discovery and Knowledge were the things that mattered. Stupidly, I told myself that I was being a true Ravenclaw for this. In all my frantic search, I had forgotten the most important thing of all, the phrase that lived within every Ravenclaw: "Wits beyond measure is man's greatest treasure".

To tell the truth, I wonder now why I ever got sorted into Ravenclaw. I know, now, that so many things are better left forgotten. That Knowledge in its infinitely vast form is too deathly for us to handle. That is why wits should always be priviledged over knowledge. Because you can be knowledgeable and stupid, but as long as you are intelligent, knowledge will come of its own accord, as long as you wish it so.


	9. Bad Turn of Events

"Come on, Ravenclaw, almost there," Snape whispered in the tunnel.

"Stop calling me that, it's irritating," I whispered back as I followed him, a hand gripping the wall for balance and the other holding my wand in front of me, casting the _Lumos_ charm.

"What else do you want me to call you? It's both your name and your house, live with it," he answered furiously. "Shut up," he added as I was about to protest, "we have to be silent."

I ruminated my thoughts angrily as we continued walking, complaining silently about my bloody name, the darkness which made me trip every three steps, and the humidity of the blasted tunnel we were following to get surreptitiously out of Hogwarts. "A secret passageway," the arrogant git had called it. Not so secret, seeing as he knew of it, and probably all the Slytherins who aspired to be Death Eaters─ if not all of them, as it was in the dungeons.

We finally stepped out of the horrid thing, to find─ well, I did, he probably knew already─ that we weren't far from Hogsmeade. In fact, we were just outside of it, far enough so as not to be seen, but close enough to get there in less than a minute's walk. He pulled his hood up, and I did the same.

"Come on," Snape said, and I followed him towards the _Hog's Head_. It was dirty and deserted, and the few people present had their face hidden, which I suppose in our case was a great advantage, if however adding to the distressing note of the place. I followed Snape as he wandered around the empty tables until he reached one where two people were already seated. He sat down, and I imitated him.

"Greetings," Snape said ceremoniously. I restrained from smiling at the word, which I had always found extremely pompous, and so, ridiculous. They nodded back, acknowledging his presence, but never taking their eyes off me.

"Hi," I said, not particularly feeling the need to be as formal as Snape.

"She's a girl," the female Death Eater─ ironically─ exclaimed. "You didn't tell us that, Severus."

He cringed at his name. I shrugged. "What does it matter? You're not particularly masculine yourself," I told her.

"True, Bella," the other Death Eater said─ a guy, this time. "Why do you care?"

She slapped him. Hard. "Do not. Say. My name," she screeched in a whisper─ I have to say, I was impressed. The male Death Eater glared at her─ well, I suppose, because I couldn't really see their faces─ but remained silent, while _Bella_ turned back to me.

"I suppose you want to see Him?" she said ominously.

"That's why I came," I told her shortly. "So, when _can_ I see him?"

"Once we're satisfied," the other Death Eater said.

_Bella_ giggled. "By your answers, of course. So, tell us, little Ravenclaw, why do you need to see the Dark Lord?" she whispered, her face right in front of mine as she leaned across the table.

I restrained from showing fear and pulling back my face as I answered. "I thought _Severus_ had told you."

"Oh, he did," she dismissed casually, as though he wasn't sitting right next to me, "but I would love _dearly_ that you remind me of it."

"I have done researches on an object," I slowly explained. "I know where and how to find it. But I need help to do so. I need the Dark Arts."

"Why don't you learn them yourself, little Ravenclaw?" she asked dangerously.

"The level of Dark Arts I need is too important, it would take decades, and there is the risk that I might not even have enough power. But your Dark Lord would be able to help me, I'm sure."

"And _why_," she asked menacingly, her wand at my throat, "would the Dark Lord help a _miserable_ thing like you?"

"Because," I said─ and I seriously wondered if Snape had really told her anything, although he had to have convinced them in some way to come here─, "the object I'm looking for allows something I know he wants almost desperately." I raised my eyes onto hers. "Immortality," I whispered, making sure the few customers present─ who hadn't _at all_ reacted to _Bella_'s antics─ didn't overhear.

She crawled back from her almost lying position on the table, giggling again. "Very Slytherin of you, _dear_," she said with a small smile. "Using every means possible to reach your goal."

Confusion passed through me as I reflected upon her words. It must have shown, because _Bella_ giggled yet again. I pushed my growing doubts away, I could not afford them.

The female Death Eater got up after having told all of us to "wait here", and left the inn. She came back shortly after, grabbed my arm and pulled me out. Once outside, we disaparated.

The feeling was nauseating, but I was already used to it for having side-along'd more than once with my family─ when they were actually there. I therefore quickly recovered and took my eyes off the floor, to find that the other Death Eater was there too, but not Snape.

"Where's Snape?" I asked─ not that I liked him much, but I considered him the only ally, however doubtful, I had in this place: a huge hall with marble floors, five huge doors around the room and a huge bay window which showed nothing but a grey taint. Funnily enough, the oppressing feeling of it reminded me of my "home".

"He's not coming," the man answered shortly─ he didn't really seem to appreciate talking, or maybe he just didn't like my presence.

"Come on, follow me, little Ravenclaw," the woman said with a false cheery note as she walked up to the biggest door─ or should I say, doors, as it had two of them─ and knocked.

"Come in," a cold voice said slowly.

The Death Eaters openned the doors wide and bowed immediately.

"Master," _Bella_ said. "We brought you the young Ravenclaw."

"Ah, the youngest Ravenclaw," the man I guessed was Voldemort commented with barely an ounce of interest. "Leave us, Bellatrix," he told _Bella_, and she bowed even deeper before retreating. Apparently it was an order for both of them, as the man left too, closing the doors behind him. I noticed neither of them had turned their back on their _master_, and I made a mental note to do the same.

I felt something enter my mind, and I closed it off quickly─ I wasn't great at Occlumency, but I had trained myself, as I was expecting this might happen. Plus, it was an interesting subject.

The man made a _tsk_'ing noise. "One would think, seeing as you ask for my help, that you show a little respect," he commented, sitting down on the only chair─ almost throne─ present in the room.

"Allowing you to penetrate my mind will only mean you won't need my help anymore," I answered, keeping my voice in control.

He smiled with in predator-like fashion, sending shivers down my back. I suddenly wished I hadn't done any of this, but it was now too late to give up.

"Having doubts, are we?" he asked, amusement lacing his voice.

I then noticed there was still a presence in my head. I could stop him from reading my thoughts, but I apparently wasn't strong enough to stop him from reading my feelings.

"So, how _can_ you help, little Ravenclaw?" I wished people would stop calling me that.

"I know of an object," I told him with as much confidence as I could master, "a long-lost object that brings immortality."

"Really?" he asked, amused. "And what is this… _long-lost object_?"

I named it to him, yet I shan't to you: I do not want it known that it can be found.

His eyes lit up with what I think can be named as curiosity─ his manners, if not his body, were so _inhuman_, that it seems impossible to describe him in human terms.

"Why, little Ravenclaw, would you give it to me?" he asked, suddenly suspicious.

"I need your talents in the Dark Arts to free it from its seal," I answered simply.

He nodded. "That seems quite fair," he said─ I took it then as a compliment, but nothing is ever a compliment from his mouth: he was, I guessed now, commenting on my child-like naivety.

"I just need it long enough to understand it," I told him, following him with my eyes as he got up and started walking around me.

He laughed. "Tell me, little Ravenclaw," he said coldly as he reached the start of my blind spot─ I barely dared to move. "Why don't I just torture you until I know everything I want to know?"

My eyes widened in fear as I turned around to face him, and his face distorted into an expression I can only interpret as pleasure.

"_Expelliarmus_," he said quietly, and my wand─ which I had barely drawn from my pocket─ flew out of my hand into his.

"Be-Because," I stuttered, fear evident in my voice, "you'll get it anyway. Torturing me will make my family openly disapprove of you, and several others would follow."

He laughed. "But they do not know that you are here…" he said, slowly coming closer and closer. "Correct?" he asked, his wand at my temple, as his other hand held my face, preventing it from moving.

"They… would learn," I continued, unsure of this tun of events. "And my way saves you trouble and energy, as well as the risk of finding out what would happen if you torture me."

After what seemed like an eternity, he let go, and I crumpled to the floor, which seemed to amuse him greatly.

"You may go," he told me simply. "Finish your year at Hogwarts, we wouldn't want people to think you have disapeared, would we? And then, once your year is over, you will find it for me." He smiled cruelly. "Just know that I will not accept failure. _Crucio_!"

He laughed as I screamed, my body shaking sporadically on the floor, pain filling me more intensely than I could ever had imagined. I felt as if my bones were being broken and put back in place over and over again, my arms and legs being simultaneously pulled away from my body.

When finally, it ended, my voice was hoarse, I could barely talk, and tears were running down my face.

"Your wand, little Ravenclaw," Voldemort said as if nothing had happened. I took it and left the room running, his laugh in my ears.

_Bellatrix_ was waiting outside, a smug grin on her face. She grabbed my arm as I wiped away my tears, and we disapparated. I threw up as we appeared in a alley behind the _Hog's Head_, and after roughly making sure I would make it to the castle alive, _Bellatrix_ left again.

After a while, I got up and made my way to and through the tunnel. When I reached the castle, I found Sirius standing against the wall.

"Sirius?" I croaked. "What… What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you," he said furiously. "Come on, we need to talk." He grabbed my hand forcefully and led me through the castle until we reached a wall. He walked back and forth three times in front of it, and a door appeared. He pulled me in.

I sat down on a couch, too tired to say or do anything else.

"Look at me, Zuree," Sirius said, shaking my shoulders. I then realised he was crouching in front of me. "Where were you?" he asked me softly. He had apparently calmed down, which worried me, as he usually had a short temper, and only his friends would manage to calm him down.

I knew I couldn't tell him the truth, but I was too exhausted to lie to him, so I just stared blankly at him.

He cupped my face tenderly. "I saw Snape," he told me as I wouldn't answer. "He bragged about something terrible, Zuree." I registered pain and distress in his eyes─ it broke my heart to pieces to see him like that. "He said that… He told me that you went to see..." He didn't─ or couldn't─ finish his sentence. "Tell me it isn't true, Zuree," he pleaded, his voice so low I could barely hear him. "Please…"

I turned my head. I couldn't meet his eyes. I knew what Snape would've bragged about. I knew he would've told Sirius. I knew. But I had hoped he wouldn't.

"It's true," I told him in the same soft voice. Tears ran down my face for the second time that day.

Immediately, he let go of me and stepped backwards. Horror was painted all over his face, as I turned back to face him. "It's true," I repeated, defeated, "Sirius, and you have _no idea_─"

"No idea?" he exclaimed, furious again. "No idea of why you did it? Any reason for _that_," he spat, "is _wrong_."

"─ how much I regret what I just did," I finished, pleading him silently to forgive me.

He stood there, eyeing me. "I don't believe you." His voice was hard, and his words hurt. I felt anger rising in me.

"You don't believe what?" I said harshly as I stood up. "That I did it? That I regret? That I know how _wrong_ this all was?" I stepped in, my face so close to his, I could've kissed him─ but I didn't, it was over, now. "He tortured me, Sirius," I said, my voice breaking again as I started to cry. "But I don't have a choice anymore," I finished silently.

His face was a mixture of pity and horror. He reached out to me, but stopped his hand, closing it in a fist as it fell back to his side. His eyes hardened as he made the only choice his pride would allow.

"I loved you, Zuree," he whispered. His past tense hurt me as much as the _Crucio_ curse. I cried as I ran off, leaving him and his morals behind, and my love and my hopes shattered at his feet, forever broken.


	10. The End

And now, afew weeks later, summer is here. Tomorrow is the day I embark on the Hogwarts Express. And as I sit writing this in the Ravenclaw's common room, I tell you of my choices, right and wrong.

Today, I made a choice. Where I thought I had no choice, I decided to create one. I had been thinking since that terrible night where everything went wrong,and tonight, I choose.

I should say I chose, because I am not going back.

Voldemort will not get it. I won't even try to find it and destroy it, because that plan has too many flaws. Without me, it cannot be found. I have burned my notes, erased all trace of my research.

So I'll just leave it there, where it has been for centuries, and I leave this account of my life as a prayer that no one look for it again.

And I'll face Voldemort. I'll tell him I won't do it. And he'll torture me. And then, once he gives up─ as I shan't─, he'll kill me. And I'll accept it as the best way out. But let's not dwell on such thoughts.

I write this as a warning.

I write this for all the knowledge it brings and for all the knowledge that remains safely forgotten.

I write this so that you may know me and my mistakes, and in the hope that you shall learn from it.

I write this for you, 'Lette, and for you, Indigue, so that you remember that annoying little sister that always, always, admired you.

I write this for you, Mi, and you, Tom, and hope that you forgive me for not being there when you needed my full support. I wish you both happiness.

I write this for you, G, and you, Blackie, in the hope that you'll think of me as you prank yet another poor unsuspecting first year─ without me lecturing you, this time.

I write this for you, Sirius Black, my Chaos, my Sky. So that you won't forget me and my stupidity. I love you, and I pray that, wherever I end up, I won't forget the wonderful moments we spent together.

May your lives be full of joy and devoid of regrets.


	11. Not a Chapter, Sorry

**Hello, there !**

**First off, I'd like to thank you all for reading and reviewing (if you did, duh :p).**

**Then, I'd like to point out that I'm writing a side-story/sequel to this in Sirius' point of view (though still 3****rd**** person narrator), called "**_**Because I Believe in Happy Endings**_**"─ which you can probably guess, ends well─ because it hurts to leave a story with a sad ending (it really, physically, does). It's up and running (a marathon, not a sprint, if you see what I mean - sorry). So, if you'd like to check that out, I'd love to hear what you have to say about it! Or, you know, I'm also happy with you just reading it.**

**Again, thank you for reading this, and I hope you enjoyed it─ well, apart from the end bit, ya know?**

**If you have any questions or suggestions, please, I'd love to hear them─ and I'll do my best to answer them.**

**Teacup out.**

**PS: In case you were wondering why _Sirius_ (because it could have been any guy, really), I have three "excuses"...*He needed to be able to use the Marauders' Map (left with: the Marauders)  
*He needed to be confident (left with: James and Sirius - The werewolf issue is just too big, and Peter is not confident enough either)  
*He needed to be romantically free for my OC (left with: Sirius - Shipping Jily just way too much)  
So it was Sirius.  
And now, the real reason is... I just really, really wanted to write a Sirius/OC pairing. So there you are!**


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